Nickelodeon Stars: Life After Nick

Doug “Quail Man” Funnie started a revolution, playing the leading man in the world’s first Nicktoon. We came to love Doug Yancey Funnie, a sixth grader from Bluffington, and his loyal dog Porkchop. Surprisingly, there is life after Nickelodeon. In 1996, Disney started producing new episodes and renamed the show “Brand Spanking New! Doug”. And we all know how great Disney sequels are. In the new version, Disney changed the theme song (arguably the best part of the show), invented a younger sister named Dirtbike Funnie, and made Patti Mayonnaise vaguely ethnic by darkening her skin. In order to avoid trademark complications, Disney’s Doug had nine hairs instead of eight. But the degradation didn’t end there. Doug’s nemesis, Roger Klotz, suddenly became rich and moved into a mansion. Shame on you Disney, is nothing sacred?

Melissa Joan Hart epitomized the girl next door on the Snick lineup. She starred in “Clarissa Explains It All”, ABC’s “Sabrina the Teenage Witch” and your first sexual fantasy. She also kicked it with Adrian Grenier in Drive Me Crazy. Now, Hart plays mommy to her two children. She even made a series of adorable potty training video blogs for Pullups a few years ago. She spends most of her energy on every kid’s dream job: running her very own candy store. It’s called Sweetharts. Clever.

Like Doug, Ren and Stimpy also suffered the humiliation of a forced revival. The potty mouthed duo had their good names dragged through the mud when the show relaunched on Spike TV as the “Ren and Stimpy Adult Party Cartoon” in 2003. The show sucked so bad, the voice of Stimpy refused to participate and the network cancelled the show after just three episodes. For the “Adult Party Cartoon” reincarnation, creator John Kricfalusi confirmed that Ren and Stimpy were in a committed homosexual relationship. We can only hope Ren and Stimpy are prancing around in gay cartoon heaven now.

Kenan Thompson was The Morgan Freeman of 90’s children programming, starring in “Kenan and Kel”. “All That”, Good Burger, and D2: The Mighty Ducks. After you got to middle school, Kenan probably dropped off your radar. Of course, SNL hired him, but he’s been sort of hanging in the background since the producers realized he was too fat to play Barack Obama.

Kenan Thompson’s partner in crime on Nickelodeon, Kel Mitchell got his start as an original cast member on “All That” before moving on to “The Kenan and Kel Show”. Mitchell reached his peak as a fry cook in Good Burger, and then took a small role in the Superhero comedy Mystery Men, playing a superhero could turn invisible, but only when no one was watching. From there—well, his career didn’t really go anywhere from there. He spent years going in and out of rehab battling a nasty orange soda addiction.

I hate it when former celebrities can’t come to terms with the fact that their career is over. ‘I was paid lots of money to be on TV and now I’m not!’ Shut up Scott Baio, no one cares. That’s why “Legend of the Hidden Temple” host Kirk Fogg is so cool. He actually has a sense of humor about the fact that Olmec had a better career than he did after LOTHT ended. Check out this interview he did with College Humor a few years ago:

Why did you give away trips to Universal Studios Florida? Weren’t you all already there? TALK TO THE PRODUCERS. I HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH THAT!

Any good stories about you and Olmec? Are you talking about drinking stories or… Oh, he once dragged the trees from the dark forest into the “Pit of Despair” and had his way with them.

Fogg starred in an independent movie a few years ago, but it never got picked up for distribution. Sad face.

“The Secret World of Alex Mac” replaced “Clarissa Explains It All” in the Snick lineup. It marked the beginning of the Nickelodeon silver age, not quite as classic as the original lineup, but still a far cry away from the Nick Cannon and the Naked Brothers Band. Larisa Oleynik played a teenager who gets doused in dangerous chemicals which cause her to develop magical powers, because that’s how chemistry works. Oleynik went on to star as the younger sister in 10 Things I Hate About You. After that, Larisa did what most young stars never do. She finished college. Can you imagine being able to play the Nickelodeon card at a college party? “Oh really, you played varsity baseball in high school? Wow. I was busy being awesome on Nickelodeon…”

Michelle Trachtenberg wins the award for hottest former Nickelodeon star (sorry Kenan, tough decision). Like Kenan, she stands out not just for her hotness, but for having a relatively successful post-Nickelodeon career. After “Pete and Pete” she moved on to “Buffy the Vampire Slayer”, and she’s been living comfortably on the C list ever since, starring in Eurotrip and even landing a recurring character on “Gossip Girl”.

Danny Tamberelli played the little brother you actually wanted in “Pete and Pete”. He also had small roles in Igby Goes Down and The Mighty Ducks, but he never landed a starring role outside Nickelodeon. There’s a law of nature that says adorable child actors grow up to be ugly adults, and Tamberelli isn’t the exception to the rule (for exception, see Michelle Trachtenberg). But rather than pursue an embarrassing adult career trying to recapture his former ginger glory, Danny studied music management in college and became a musician. Sick.

Mike Maronna played the straight man slash elder ginger in “Pete and Pete”, providing the narration and a voice of reason. After the show ended he made a handful of appearances in movies like Home Alone, Slackers and 40 Days and 40 Nights. But after his acting career ended (the only famous gingers are the hot ones), he got a real job as an electrician. A note to you other former Nickers: don’t go on “The Apprentice”. The world isn’t going to end if you don’t get a real job.

Amanda Bynes made a name for herself at a young age as a major player in the sketch comedy show, “All That”, and eventually as the star of the “Amanda Show”. She had a few big screen roles, but never quite made the transition to the A-list. Eventually Bynes signed a five year deal with an apparel company to start her own fashion line, but the company immediately filed for bankruptcy. Oh well. She can always fall back on the old standard for washed up actresses grasping at relevance: a Maxim photoshoot. And she did that well.