Sarah Palin’s Statement About Bristol’s Engagement Translated

Usually when someone knocks up a teenage girl, they do everything they can to do right by her family. Especially if she belongs to a family of confessed gun nuts. But then again, most people don’t have Sarah Palin for a mother-in-law.

When Levi Johnston proposed to Bristol Palin, again, rather than going the traditional route and asking permission from her parents, the Playgirl teen opted to go to Us Magazine instead. The on-again off-again couple are on the cover of the latest issue for a surprise engagement announcement. It didn’t take Sarah and Todd Palin very long to issue a statement about the affair, which we decided to translate for you:

“Bristol at 19 is now a young adult, we obviously want what’s best for our children…”

Bristol is a teenager who has no idea what is best for her or her baby.

“…but Bristol is ultimately in charge of determining what is best for her and her beautiful son.”

If we knew how to talk her out of the engagement, we would.

“Bristol believes in redemption and forgiveness…”

Levi Johnston is a lying piece of sh*t who spread false rumors about our family of pettiness and spite. He will do anything for attention.

“…to a degree most of us struggle to put into practice in our daily lives.”

Seriously, we f**king hate you Levi. We can’t believe we have to call you our son. Only the ignorance of youth could make Bristol want to take you back. Please don’t bring any more shame or embarrassment to our family than you already have.

“We pray that, as a couple, Bristol and Levi’s relationship matures into one that will allow Tripp to grow up graced with two loving parents in his life.”

God help that poor child.

But in all seriousness, it’s extremely difficult to make a marriage work under circumstances like these, especially with so much media attention focused on the young couple. Hopefully they can make the marriage work without anymore drama.